Real Time

illustrations by the lovely and talented wredwrat

cockrocker08324: hey
cockrocker08324: you there?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Yeah, I'm here.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What's up?

cockrocker08324: just got back

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Just now? Must be an early night.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Sun's not even up.

cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: gotta tell you about this guy

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Sure.

cockrocker08324: so i was out tonight with boone and ack

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Ack?

cockrocker08324: from biochem

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Oh, right. Continue.

cockrocker08324: so we were at a party in south dorm and taylor was there with this guy from umass or something
cockrocker08324: and he's like eight feet tall with all these dreds
cockrocker08324: poly sci major

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Got to watch out for those bastards.

cockrocker08324: ha ha takes one to know one right?
cockrocker08324: maybe you know him

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Super-tall guy with dredlocks? I think I'd remember if I'd met him before.

cockrocker08324: got an accent too
cockrocker08324: british or scottish or something

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Nope, not ringing any bells.

cockrocker08324: anyway
cockrocker08324: he's got this tight shirt on
cockrocker08324: nip piercings sticking out
cockrocker08324: it was cold in there

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Piercings, plural?

cockrocker08324: yep one of each
cockrocker08324: and i'm fucked up already
cockrocker08324: had a couple shots at jay's

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I'm sure.

cockrocker08324: nothing else though
cockrocker08324: still getting over that cold
cockrocker08324: so no smoking for me

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Just say no, huh?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Nancy Reagan would be proud.

cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: next thing you know i'll be voting republican

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Perish the thought.

cockrocker08324: so i asked him his name and he said bexter or something
cockrocker08324: hard to hear over the fire alarm

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Wait, there was a fire alarm?

cockrocker08324: yeah some jackass set a couch on fire
cockrocker08324: missed that whole story

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I'm sure I'll get the details from Boone on Monday.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Continue.

cockrocker08324: so we're all out in the cold and it's kinda sleeting
cockrocker08324: and he's all so hey baby what's your name what's your major
cockrocker08324: typical party chitchat

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Uh-huh.

cockrocker08324: kind of shit you say when you want to fuck the guy but you can't just yet
cockrocker08324: because your friends are hovering or they told you to wait there til they get back

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Or you're outside in the cold because some jackass set a couch on fire?

cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: you got it
cockrocker08324: so we're right by connolly hall now
cockrocker08324: and guess who's got his keys

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You didn't.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I have no idea why anyone considers you even mildly responsible.

cockrocker08324: spend three hours each week doing photocopies for dr. moricz
cockrocker08324: get off-hours personal space

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: They should put up a sign there.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: And a little note down at the bottom: THIS MEANS YOU, ANTON TAYLOR.

cockrocker08324: i'd tell them it was a bio experiment
cockrocker08324: extra credit

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: How often do you do this, anyway?

cockrocker08324: you know
cockrocker08324: couple times a week

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Oh.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Anyway, you were saying?

cockrocker08324: right so
cockrocker08324: there's nobody in the building
cockrocker08324: all the lights are off
cockrocker08324: but there's all the safety lighting outside

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Right.

cockrocker08324: well the lobby windows are tinted
cockrocker08324: and when the lights are on
cockrocker08324: you can't see inside

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...

cockrocker08324: so he's saying some shit like are you sure they can't see in
cockrocker08324: since there's a bunch of people waiting around outside for the fire trucks to leave
cockrocker08324: so i spend like a minute waving to them and doing stupid shit and nobody looked

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: There's a joke to be made here about the hard sciences, but it's not coming to me.

cockrocker08324: ha ha hard sciences
cockrocker08324: so he's saying the whole you got a pretty mouth thing

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Like a hillbilly?

cockrocker08324: well not in so many words
cockrocker08324: the way guys talk when they want you to suck them off but want you to think it's your idea

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Oh.

cockrocker08324: so he gets me up by one of those pillars near the doors
cockrocker08324: and he sticks a couple fingers in my mouth
cockrocker08324: they taste like five different kinds of booze and cigarette
cockrocker08324: which is funny because i didn't see him smoking

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Maybe he's trying to quit.

cockrocker08324: heh maybe
cockrocker08324: so i suck him like that for a few
cockrocker08324: then take my jacket off and put it down on the floor

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Easier on your poor knees, I trust.

cockrocker08324: can't wear out my most important joints!
cockrocker08324: anyway
cockrocker08324: so i unzipped his fly
cockrocker08324: and he's grinning the whole time and saying stupid things like
cockrocker08324: suck it bitch
cockrocker08324: you know you want it

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Sounds like a bad porn movie actor.

cockrocker08324: ha ha except you know what
cockrocker08324: that shit makes me so hard

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: It does?

cockrocker08324: yeah fuck
cockrocker08324: bad dirty talk
cockrocker08324: come to papa

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Well, that's good to know, I guess?

cockrocker08324: so anyway i get his cock out
cockrocker08324: and this guy is HUGE
cockrocker08324: like
cockrocker08324: horses would be jealous
cockrocker08324: and all uncut and shit

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: So uncut is good?

cockrocker08324: uncut is great
cockrocker08324: i'm cut :(
cockrocker08324: you?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Not.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Cut, I mean.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Not cut.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Uncut.

cockrocker08324: lucky dog
cockrocker08324: anyway so he's fucking huge in the dick department
cockrocker08324: and i'm thinking there's no way this is gonna all fit in my mouth

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: That's pretty big, I guess.

cockrocker08324: so i just lick up and down a while
cockrocker08324: gay man's popsicle

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: That's quite a mental image.

cockrocker08324: doesn't melt in your mouth OR hand
cockrocker08324: so i get a pretty good rhythm going
cockrocker08324: and he's a nice guy
cockrocker08324: doesn't try to grab my hair or choke me on his dick or anything

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What a gentleman.

cockrocker08324: yeah it's kinda hot when guys try to fuck your face
cockrocker08324: but not until they get to know you better

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: It's good to know there's /some/ things you won't do on a first date.

cockrocker08324: ha ha not much
cockrocker08324: so i'm sucking away on his big horse cock
cockrocker08324: and he's talking dirty the whole time

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Like how?

cockrocker08324: oh you know
cockrocker08324: you suck that cock real good you slut
cockrocker08324: you like that don't you bitch
cockrocker08324: yeah suck me deep gonna make you drink it all
cockrocker08324: the usual

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: right.

cockrocker08324: anyway
cockrocker08324: i start to go jerk myself off
cockrocker08324: and he slaps me upside the head

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What?!

cockrocker08324: says don't wear yourself out
cockrocker08324: cause i'm gonna fuck you
cockrocker08324: and i want you to come with your dick in me
cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: i mean my dick in you
cockrocker08324: he said
cockrocker08324: still a little fucked up here

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I was about to say.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I thought you liked it the other way.

cockrocker08324: eh i'm flexible
cockrocker08324: but when a guy really wants to give it to me
cockrocker08324: not gonna say no.

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: of course.

cockrocker08324: so i get a condom out of my pocket
cockrocker08324: good thing i grabbed the x-large

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Do you carry a variety, just in case?

cockrocker08324: sure
cockrocker08324: dicks come in all sizes
cockrocker08324: be prepared!

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I have a hard time believing you were ever a Boy Scout.

cockrocker08324: got kicked out for eating a brownie
cockrocker08324: wait wrong gay joke
cockrocker08324: anyway
cockrocker08324: now he's a big dark stud with a glow in the dark weenie

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...Oh, Brownie, I get it now.

cockrocker08324: good for you sport
cockrocker08324: so i don't have any lube with me
cockrocker08324: and neither does he

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: what, do you keep a bottle in your man-purse?

cockrocker08324: sample packets from health services
cockrocker08324: fit in my boot
cockrocker08324: but they fell out when i was doing the keg stand

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Naturally.

cockrocker08324: and i don't carry a manpurse
cockrocker08324: asshole :)

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas.

cockrocker08324: yeah more lube
cockrocker08324: anyway i slicked his dick up good
cockrocker08324: until he finally said okay stop if you keep doing that i'm gonna cum

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: uh-huh.

cockrocker08324: so he got me kneeling on one of those couches in the lobby
cockrocker08324: pulled my pants down
cockrocker08324: smacked my ass a few times

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: that was kind of rude.

cockrocker08324: nah set the mood
cockrocker08324: so i heard him spit on his hand
cockrocker08324: i reached back and held my ass wide
cockrocker08324: figured he wasn't going to do it for me

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Lucky you;ve got a lot of practice, huh?

cockrocker08324: warmed myself up that afternoon
cockrocker08324: so he grabbed my ass and shoved it in

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: uh huh.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: anyway...
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: And then what?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...You still there?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Seriously, stop fucking around.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...You fell asleep at the keyboard, didn't you?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Do not tell me you fell asleep at the keyboard.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Jackass.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Don't you have your sound on?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Let the annoying chime wake you up.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Wake up, you bastard.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ping
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Well, fine, whatever.

cockrocker08324: woo sorry faded out there a little

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Well, I guess I'll just -- oh, hey, you're back.

cockrocker08324: heh heh sounds like somebody's a little into the story

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Am not.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I just thought you'd want to tell it.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Save you from telling it in the dining hall or something.

cockrocker08324: ha ha i don't belieeeeeeeeeve you

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Shut up.

cockrocker08324: i didn't know you were into the dirty cock stories

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I'm not.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I don't care.

cockrocker08324: you want to hear what happened?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Sure, whatever.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I mean, you can go to sleep now.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Doesn't matter to me.

cockrocker08324: if i do you won't know how the story ends
cockrocker08324: gotta get to the money shot

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Whatever you want to do.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You're the pervert.

cockrocker08324: anyway where was i?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: There was a cock in your ass.

cockrocker08324: ha ha there usually is
cockrocker08324: so he was fucking me
cockrocker08324: working up a real sweat

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Yeah.

cockrocker08324: and he grabs my cock and starts stroking me off
cockrocker08324: real not gentle
cockrocker08324: wish i hadn't been so fucked up
cockrocker08324: it was a really good fuck
cockrocker08324: hey can i ask a question?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: what?

cockrocker08324: are you jerking off right now?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: No.

cockrocker08324: ha ha i thought so
cockrocker08324: you always jerk off when i tell you dirty stories?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: No!

cockrocker08324: oh so you don't always just sometimes

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I don't ever!

cockrocker08324: ha ha oh bry bry
cockrocker08324: you are a shit liar you know
cockrocker08324: so how come you never told me you like the gay shit?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You're insane and still drunk.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: And you should probably go to bed.

cockrocker08324: seriously i'd suck your cock

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What?

cockrocker08324: especially now you tell me your meat is uncut
cockrocker08324: you let anybody suck your dick before?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I thought we were talking about your sex life, not mine.

cockrocker08324: yeah but it got lonely
cockrocker08324: so i figured
cockrocker08324: quid pro quo clarice

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: See, you're so drunk you're speaking Latin.

cockrocker08324: tits for tats bry bry
cockrocker08324: you ever get your horn blown little boy blue?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: No, okay?

cockrocker08324: heh heh
cockrocker08324: anyway so he's fucking me and running his fingers over my dick
cockrocker08324: can't see him but i can hear him breathing
cockrocker08324: so would you suck /my/ dick?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

cockrocker08324: would you?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: No.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You probably have diseases.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Man-whore diseases.

cockrocker08324: ha ha that's a yes

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Look, I'm not going to keep answering your questions if you keep twisting around everything I say!

cockrocker08324: that's so a yes
cockrocker08324: anyway he fucks me so long my knees start to go a little numb
cockrocker08324: and i guess i'm getting a little soft
cockrocker08324: because he turns me over on my back
cockrocker08324: and starts in on me like that
cockrocker08324: would you let me suck your cock?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: no.

cockrocker08324: oh no shift key that's a total yes
cockrocker08324: i'd totally do it
cockrocker08324: maybe gag you first so i don't have to listen to you complain how much you hate it

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You're such an asshole.

cockrocker08324: speaking of my asshole
cockrocker08324: the guy has to grab my knees when i'm on my back to keep me steady
cockrocker08324: so i'm just jerking myself off now
cockrocker08324: not really giving a shit what he's up to
cockrocker08324: just flogging my own sweet meat

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Now that;s just ridiculous.

cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: so was i wrong when i told marcy she was crazy when she said you were hot for me?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I can't even understand that sentence.

cockrocker08324: marcy told me
cockrocker08324: bry bry is hot for you
cockrocker08324: unquote
cockrocker08324: i told her
cockrocker08324: marcy you are crazy
cockrocker08324: unquote part two
cockrocker08324: was i wrong?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Marcy's totally crazy.

cockrocker08324: ha ha omg
cockrocker08324: why didn't you tell me before bry bry

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: This is ridiculous.

cockrocker08324: hey you know what
cockrocker08324: he was fucking me hard
cockrocker08324: and all i could think about was how i wanted a cock in my mouth too
cockrocker08324: another uncut one just like his
cockrocker08324: somebody leaning over me
cockrocker08324: with his balls all in my face
cockrocker08324: and his dick down my throat
cockrocker08324: so i could just suck him while he watched me getting fucked
cockrocker08324: watched me while i stroked my dick
cockrocker08324: hey maybe i should go to bed

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: don;t you fucking dare

cockrocker08324: ha ha gotcha
cockrocker08324: i love sucking cock
cockrocker08324: even more than getting fucked sometimes
cockrocker08324: just going down on a guy makes me all hard
cockrocker08324: i'm hard again right now thinking about it
cockrocker08324: you hard bry bry?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: shut up.

cockrocker08324: i bet you are
cockrocker08324: gotta get better at one-handed typing before you can fool me

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: asshole.

cockrocker08324: wish you'd been there
cockrocker08324: made you stand at the end of the couch
cockrocker08324: given you head and a good view of my dick
cockrocker08324: or would it have made you jealous?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: what/

cockrocker08324: ha ha
cockrocker08324: don't worry bry bry
cockrocker08324: if it's a choice between heads or tails
cockrocker08324: i'll always go home with the guy between my lips

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: just finish your stupid story

cockrocker08324: so i hear this guy grunt and he slams me a few times
cockrocker08324: then pulls out and unwraps his dick
cockrocker08324: and comes all over my thigh
cockrocker08324: so i figure the party's over
cockrocker08324: time to get myself off
cockrocker08324: so i think about a big fat uncut cock in my mouth
cockrocker08324: licking and sucking it dry
cockrocker08324: wish i'd known about you bry bry
cockrocker08324: could have been thinking about yours
cockrocker08324: thinking about having my mouth around your dick
cockrocker08324: and i come so hard i get it in my hair
cockrocker08324: wait let me check
cockrocker08324: yep still there
cockrocker08324: think i need a shower now
cockrocker08324: how about you?
cockrocker08324: bry bry?

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Yeah.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I mean, maybe a shower would be a good idea.

cockrocker08324: well then don't start without me

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: What?

cockrocker08324: give me five minutes
cockrocker08324: need to put on my coat

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: No!
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I can take a shower by myself!

cockrocker08324: yeah but what fun is that?
cockrocker08324: five minutes
cockrocker08324: getting on my shoes right now

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Stop joking.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: You're such a bastard.

cockrocker08324: see who's joking at your door in five minutes
cockrocker08324: start without me and i'll be pissed off
cockrocker08324: you do not want to see this faggot angry

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Wait, Anton!

Auto Response from cockrocker08324: Booty call!

Jedi_Master_Rasputin: I swear, I'm going to fucking kill you if you're joking.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: It's been eight minutes, you loser, I'm going to bed.
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: ...That's you knocking right now, isn't it?
Jedi_Master_Rasputin: Well, here goes nothing.

Jedi_Master_Rasputin is Idle

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